Despondant

People say God never makes mistakes. That everyone has a purpose. I beginning to believe my purpose is to inflict some type of misery and pain on absolutely everyone I know. It makes me sad, but it seems to me that after anyone is around me for a few months, I start getting on their nerves. My very existence pisses them off. I get told I am not even a member of my own family. People think I enjoy seroquel, which makes me impotent and makes me sleep a lot.So that is my job. God created me to hurt people and piss them off just by my existence. Sounds like a mistake to me.

My worst nightmare

I wanted to share with you what my worst nightmare is. I am terrified that I have passed some undesirable qualities to my sons. I can see aspects of myself in both of them. I love them more than anything, and I don't know how I would handle knowing that I passed Asperger's of bipolar disorder to them. In a lot of aspects, the Aspergers is a worse fate; a lifetime of not understanding what you did wrong, wondering why people are mad, why they never speak to you. Wondering why you really have no friends. Even worse is reaching a point where you really don't care if you have friends. Not understanding concepts such as irony( I didn't understand it until my late 20's) And bipolar; the horrible terrifying experience of mania; but if the do have bipolar disorder, then they can control it to some degree. I can't control my personality, the very being I am; I don't think I can learn empathy, I think most people are born with it; I wasn't. I do know I will ensure my sons, if they become symptomatic, will be quickly taken to be evaluated. Maybe, just maybe, they can learn some of the skills I never did. That is my hope, but my prayer is that they will need it.

Depressed Aspie

So today I got affirmation that I do indeed suffer from Asperger's. That's just great; now I have two things to overcome. I always have wondered why I don't fit in; why I have no real interest in having friends, wondering why I never really fit in. The real question to answer is how can I integrate myself into any job in the future; I feel as though I will get the 'you are just not the right fit' speech over and over again, which feeds my bipolar disorder; I usually end up manic and irritated after it happens. I look back on my life and can clearly see when this could have been found, and corrected. My doctor seems to think I can learn empathy; and begin to see people's emotional cues. I can only tell the emotions of my wife and children; I have a great deal of empathy for them. In researching Asperger's I have discovered that a great many scientists , Einstein for example, had Aspergers. I just wonder if the world has changed so that I will never be accepted, and be allowed to put my skills in chemistry to good use. This feeds the hopelessness I am feeling from my mild,but progressing, depression. So today I am feeling emotions from anger to despair. I will do some therapy that may help me, although this is more effective at younger ages. I also feel a great burden of passing this on to my sons. I can see some of my behaviors trying to surface in one of my sons. I know I will get him help so he does not have to feel like he is worthless when he is grown. So any Bipolar Aspies out there have any advice for me?.

Depression rears it's ugly head``

The last few days I have found myself looking at life in a darker tone. Now, today, I can feel depression in my thinking. I feel like nothing I do is ever enough or good enough for anyone. I feel hated, isolated, and sad. Crying will surely follow soon. I go to my doc in a few days; I'll be ok until then. I find it hard to even get out of bed, so it looks like they'll have to change my meds one more time. It sucks to have this affliction. I also may have Asperger's; the last doctor in the hospital told me he thought I did. See, I have been living under the belief that I was retarded and no one would tell me. I am going to be tested for Asperger's, and if I have it I will have been right; I am/was socially retarded. I run through the scenarios in my mind about my parents or any adult teacher, counselor, coach, would have noticed and gotten me help, my life would have been different. No lost jobs because ' I'm just not the right fit."  And my wife and kids need and deserve much better than me. I worked hard, like my Mama told me before she died' Son no one can ever say that you didn't try and give all you had, be proud of that because I am proud of you" Well, Mom, sorry to say my best wasn't good enough. I feel as though I am a mistake, and that I have poisoned my sons with my screwed up head.So how do you know you are getting depressed and what do you do about it?

Melancholy

So today I find that I am falling into melancholy. Not sure why it is happening; perhaps the constant questions, perhaps it is fear. Fear that I will embarrass the ones I love. Fear that I am damaging my wife who would be better off without me, even my kids would be better off without me; they are so innocent, I hope the florish    in their mother's beautiful glow. I feel hater; even hate myself. Am going to coach youth football, I look forward to that. If my melancholy gets worst I will call my doc. I am so emotionally tired of not knowing how to feel or when to feel it. Am I depressed like any other person, am I happy like other people. It is hard, and it sucks, and it is,,,Bipolar disorder.
BB

Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde

I know the story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is accepted as a take on multiple personality disorder. I like to think that it also applies to Bipolar I disorder, and the experiences of mania being compared to transforming into the Hulk; extreme hostility, paranoia leading to anger and rage. I don't know if anyone has considered Bipolar this was, but for me it fits; when I have an episode, I am a completely different person, impulsive, and extreme irritable. So I consider my episodes as a kind of "Hulk-lite"

Stopping Medication

Being bipolar, I have first hand experience in just stopping my medication when I feel better. This has never worked out well for me. Every time I have done this, I have ended up hospitalized. So I've had 5 hospitalizations after stopping my medication, and 1 while on my meds. Seems like the answer to staying well is staring me in the face; just stay on the medications. That can be easier said than done; the medications cause side effects which are not pleasant; moving towards being in a 'robot' like state. So it is easy for me to delude myself into thinking I am not sick anymore; to forget how sick I get. I am now committed to taking my medication; I am now on disability, and hopefully my pdoc and I will find a combination to take which allows me to be as 'normal' as possible. I won't stop my meds any more; I deserve better, and my family deserves better.
BB