Ego death: Guidance of Psychiatrists

     I want to talk a little today about Ego death that has accompanied my treatment of Bipolar disorder. I have found that I have lost myself to the medications I take to control my disease. I used to have a sense of random abandon; I couldn't sit still and had to just go and do something. I believe this was enjoyed by my family; the got to see a lot of things that other people will never see. It is a battle each day to take my medications; I feel like I am a better person, most of the time, without them. Of course, I also will inevitably go manic and end up in the hospital without them. It is a battle every day to choose which is the lesser of two evils. The anti psychotic meds I take rob me of emotion; the antidepressants don't seem to do anything, aside from short term memory loss. Some medication I take makes me irritable, so you have to add a benzo in there for that. My new doc has the goal of getting me back as close to my normal functioning as possible. Not having the stress of work helps, and I plan to stick to this plan and trust her for a while. My guess is I am very similar to other Bipolar disorder sufferers out there, and they also battle taking medications. My hope is to focus on me for 2-3 years, the start a new career in the medical field to help those with problems like I used to have. Only time will tell, but I hope to tell you over time about my Ego being reborn, and the Father, brother, son and husband I still am, somewhere deep inside, returns, like the progidal son he is. Have any of you experienced this, or had a family member who has? I'd love to hear about it; and I will help all of us not to feel so alone in our struggle with Bipolar Disorder.

BB

In Sickness and Health and Yard Sales Hooray!!

     Today I want to recognize my best friend. She has been far and above what I deserve for the sins I have committed against her. Sure, I have been pretty good to her at most times, but there are also times when I have been beyond horrible. I have flat out told her about thing I was planning to do with other women when I'm manic, I have believed she was plotting against me, even believed she wasn't herself. I have been medicated to the point of being incontinent, and her reaction has been to get me help. or clean me up. When I've been scared she has listened. I have lost 3 good jobs now, mainly because of my illness, and still she stays. We have our ups and downs, but I do know she will be there, like she promised me she would be years ago. And I hope, in his infinite wisdom, God sees fit to give her a little extra joy for having put up with one of his damaged creations. I am truly blessed for God having sent to me someone with the faith of Job. I don't tell her enough, baby I love you.
     Now for this weekend, we have a yard sale planned, thank God for that. I will always celebrate taking four or five leaps backwards from being on an episode of Hoarders:Buried Alive; and making money at the same time. At the same time, I get to, by myself, take my two boys to a birthday party. It'll be fun, but to tell you the truth, I'd rather be at home selling as many things as I can for a nickle a piece. But I think the wife will do okay on her own. She always does. That's the good thing about my wife, weather it is old clutter in out relationship, or in our house, she always finds a way to sweep it aside and forget about it. Now if I could sneak a brownie of two behind her back, that would be perfect!!
BB

The Eggo Monster

Good morning everyone. My morning is going pretty well; finally got some sleep. I am concerned though; there appears to be an Eggo stealing monster in my home. See I do the Atkin's diet to lose weight from the meds I take( all my BP peeps will understand this) , and for the last week, I have been eyeballing a large box of Eggo waffles in my freezer. Well this morning the perfect stage is set; my oldest son is still asleep like he worked the night shift doing some really manual labor, my wife, the household diet police, is at work, and my youngest son is at boys and girls club plotting how to drive me crazy when it is time to pick him up. Everything is ready but the eggos....my kids have evidently eaten a whole box of eggos in two days; like it is the last box of eggos anyone is ever going to eat. Of course, my life would be very very dull without the Eggo monster, so I guess I will overlook it and go hungry this morning. Hopefully my wife will not come down too hard on me for my planned indiscretion. Eggos are wonderful. Of course, an investigation into the Eggo monster and his relation to the sock monster, and the remote monster has to be undertaken with the up-most of speed.

     See, bipolar doesn't have to define who you are. It can be terrifying, debilitating, and a horrible nuisance, but I think the real joy in life comes from the Eggo monsters and the wife who polices the food you eat. I know it is hard for us to see anything positive about ourselves, but I believe with all of my heart, that we are not defined by Bipolar disorder, but instead we are defined by the Eggo monsters and policing wifes that love us through all of our ups and downs. In a sense Bipolar disorder is a blessing; it forces the veil of love between the sick people and leaves it all open, there to see. I never have to wonder if I am loved. The veil for me has been torn down a long time ago.

Sweet Sleep

One problem I have is sleeping. My mind races, filling my thoughts with things to do. Tonight it is to start stockpiling food in case we need. I have been having a constant sense of doom and it makes me feel better to think through possible plans for me and my family. Sorry this is a quick post, but I'm sure there are plenty of bipolar folks out there who need to feel not alone, or family members who need to understand.
BB

Evil in Aurora

The shooter in last Friday's massacre will undoubtedly claim to be insane. I , myself, have had some very horrible delusions and hallucinations, which, thank God I had doctors, my wife, and family to quickly get me to the hospital for treatment. In none of my mania's would I have been able to draw diagrams, or write anything, or done much of anything coherent. I once drove a mile down random back roads to get to a gas station a block from my house because I was convinced the government was after me. In addition to being legally insane a few times, I also share unique insight into the process of getting a PhD. . What happened to Mr. Holmes, failing an oral exam, happens, most of the time very rarely. His advisor probably warned him of his failure in advance, and tried to move him into the Master's program. While failing something like this can cause a grad student to become enraged like this, or the graduate student committing suicide. The stresses of graduate school nor any mental illness; I have lived through both, and this can't be an excuse for Mr. Holmes, a person of pure evil.

A Dream

So, welcome to my blog. It's titled 2 Years Gone because yesterday, 7-24-12, marked two years since my mother has been gone. Today's post, a dream, is about what I had hoped for last night but never came. This year, there was no dream of Mama.  No hug, no kisses, nothing to remind me of her as she was. Seems two years have robbed me of that. I used to, as a child, dream of her leaving me and awake crying; now ,my nightmare has become a reality. Sometimes I get fleeting glimpses of her in dreams, not often, but sometimes.
The purpose of my blog is for others afflicted as I am can see what I go through every day. See I am Bipolar I, and it has gotten so severe for now that I can't work and am on disability. In spite of this, I was able to complete a Ph.D. in chemistry. This blog is also for loved ones of persons with Bipolar disorder. It will be here in all of it's rawness, but also in it's triumphs. You see, the thing I want to mention today is a dream, a dream that is two years gone.
BB
P.S. Please feel free to leave comments or questions for me either about yourself or a loved one. I'll do my best to answer.
BB