My worst nightmare

I wanted to share with you what my worst nightmare is. I am terrified that I have passed some undesirable qualities to my sons. I can see aspects of myself in both of them. I love them more than anything, and I don't know how I would handle knowing that I passed Asperger's of bipolar disorder to them. In a lot of aspects, the Aspergers is a worse fate; a lifetime of not understanding what you did wrong, wondering why people are mad, why they never speak to you. Wondering why you really have no friends. Even worse is reaching a point where you really don't care if you have friends. Not understanding concepts such as irony( I didn't understand it until my late 20's) And bipolar; the horrible terrifying experience of mania; but if the do have bipolar disorder, then they can control it to some degree. I can't control my personality, the very being I am; I don't think I can learn empathy, I think most people are born with it; I wasn't. I do know I will ensure my sons, if they become symptomatic, will be quickly taken to be evaluated. Maybe, just maybe, they can learn some of the skills I never did. That is my hope, but my prayer is that they will need it.

Depressed Aspie

So today I got affirmation that I do indeed suffer from Asperger's. That's just great; now I have two things to overcome. I always have wondered why I don't fit in; why I have no real interest in having friends, wondering why I never really fit in. The real question to answer is how can I integrate myself into any job in the future; I feel as though I will get the 'you are just not the right fit' speech over and over again, which feeds my bipolar disorder; I usually end up manic and irritated after it happens. I look back on my life and can clearly see when this could have been found, and corrected. My doctor seems to think I can learn empathy; and begin to see people's emotional cues. I can only tell the emotions of my wife and children; I have a great deal of empathy for them. In researching Asperger's I have discovered that a great many scientists , Einstein for example, had Aspergers. I just wonder if the world has changed so that I will never be accepted, and be allowed to put my skills in chemistry to good use. This feeds the hopelessness I am feeling from my mild,but progressing, depression. So today I am feeling emotions from anger to despair. I will do some therapy that may help me, although this is more effective at younger ages. I also feel a great burden of passing this on to my sons. I can see some of my behaviors trying to surface in one of my sons. I know I will get him help so he does not have to feel like he is worthless when he is grown. So any Bipolar Aspies out there have any advice for me?.

Depression rears it's ugly head``

The last few days I have found myself looking at life in a darker tone. Now, today, I can feel depression in my thinking. I feel like nothing I do is ever enough or good enough for anyone. I feel hated, isolated, and sad. Crying will surely follow soon. I go to my doc in a few days; I'll be ok until then. I find it hard to even get out of bed, so it looks like they'll have to change my meds one more time. It sucks to have this affliction. I also may have Asperger's; the last doctor in the hospital told me he thought I did. See, I have been living under the belief that I was retarded and no one would tell me. I am going to be tested for Asperger's, and if I have it I will have been right; I am/was socially retarded. I run through the scenarios in my mind about my parents or any adult teacher, counselor, coach, would have noticed and gotten me help, my life would have been different. No lost jobs because ' I'm just not the right fit."  And my wife and kids need and deserve much better than me. I worked hard, like my Mama told me before she died' Son no one can ever say that you didn't try and give all you had, be proud of that because I am proud of you" Well, Mom, sorry to say my best wasn't good enough. I feel as though I am a mistake, and that I have poisoned my sons with my screwed up head.So how do you know you are getting depressed and what do you do about it?

Melancholy

So today I find that I am falling into melancholy. Not sure why it is happening; perhaps the constant questions, perhaps it is fear. Fear that I will embarrass the ones I love. Fear that I am damaging my wife who would be better off without me, even my kids would be better off without me; they are so innocent, I hope the florish    in their mother's beautiful glow. I feel hater; even hate myself. Am going to coach youth football, I look forward to that. If my melancholy gets worst I will call my doc. I am so emotionally tired of not knowing how to feel or when to feel it. Am I depressed like any other person, am I happy like other people. It is hard, and it sucks, and it is,,,Bipolar disorder.
BB

Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde

I know the story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is accepted as a take on multiple personality disorder. I like to think that it also applies to Bipolar I disorder, and the experiences of mania being compared to transforming into the Hulk; extreme hostility, paranoia leading to anger and rage. I don't know if anyone has considered Bipolar this was, but for me it fits; when I have an episode, I am a completely different person, impulsive, and extreme irritable. So I consider my episodes as a kind of "Hulk-lite"

Stopping Medication

Being bipolar, I have first hand experience in just stopping my medication when I feel better. This has never worked out well for me. Every time I have done this, I have ended up hospitalized. So I've had 5 hospitalizations after stopping my medication, and 1 while on my meds. Seems like the answer to staying well is staring me in the face; just stay on the medications. That can be easier said than done; the medications cause side effects which are not pleasant; moving towards being in a 'robot' like state. So it is easy for me to delude myself into thinking I am not sick anymore; to forget how sick I get. I am now committed to taking my medication; I am now on disability, and hopefully my pdoc and I will find a combination to take which allows me to be as 'normal' as possible. I won't stop my meds any more; I deserve better, and my family deserves better.
BB

Emotions and feelings

Feelings. We all have them, all the same feelings. Being Bipolar, for me, makes all of the feelings much stronger, more raw, more enjoyable, basically like emotions on steroids.. My feelings tend to be on the extreme, I love deeply, get angrier for little or no reason, and sadness hits me hard too. And being bipolar means I have to pay close attention to my feelings; I have to feel guilty when I'm happy, concerned if I feel too much hope, because these all happen in mania too. Sadness, for me, does not worry me as much; I'd rather be depressed than manic or in a mixed state. Even so, I can get depressed over nothing, and too much sadness will be picked up on by my wife or doctor. I think the key to living with Bipolar disorder is how we manage our emotions, for we must feel them or we are reduced to little more than robots, and believe me, I have been reduced to a robotic state by medications I take. So there lies the main problem I have with my illness; how to feel emotions without be ruled by out of control emotions. I am learning how to do so, and I think that is the main problem that probably most bipolar sufferers face.

BB

Mania

A good 'clinical' definition of mania can be found here. Basically mania is the most serious part of my bipolar disorder. If I am manic, I will become psychotic quickly, usually withing a week. I have heard some people with bipolar disorder will actually enjoy mania; I don't, I hate it. While manic I will hallucinate, usually voices that leave me delusional and aggressive. My sex drive will also become elevated, and I become extremely irritable. I become all consumed with my delusions and hallucinations, like I have been given a mission. The only way I can get better from mania is a trip to the hospital for a week or so, where I am given anti psychotic meds, which make me sleep and stop the hallucinations and allow me to think clearly. People who are manic may also commit adultry, and blow money; pretty much any risky behavior.
Complete recovery for me from mania can take several months, time I have to continue to take anti psychotic medication, and a mood stabilizer, and usually an anti-anxiety drug. If you have a loved one who is manic, remember to be patient with them; if they are psychotic, don't try to tell them that their delusions and hallucinations are wrong; to them it is as real as you speaking to them, and it will likely make the person aggressive and paranoid. Only a doctor can help at this point. What symptoms do you or a loved one get when manic?.
BB

Great explanation of mania:

Although "severely elevated mood" sounds somewhat desirable and enjoyable, the experience of mania is ultimately often quite unpleasant and sometimes disturbing, if not frightening, for the person involved and for those close to them, and it may lead to impulsive behavior that may later be regretted. It can also often be complicated by the sufferer's lack of judgment and insight regarding periods of exacerbation of characteristic states. Manic patients are frequently grandiose, obsessive, impulsive, irritable, belligerent, and frequently deny anything is wrong with them. Because mania frequently encourages high energy and decreased perception of need or ability to sleep, within a few days of a manic cycle, sleep-deprived psychosis may appear, further complicating the ability to think clearly. Racing thoughts and misperceptions lead to frustration and decreased ability to communicate with others.

Normal??

This blog is in response to Natasha Tracy's blog here.


Normal Definition:
In Psychology .
a.
approximately average in any psychological trait, as intelligence, personality, or emotional adjustment.
b.
free from any mental disorder; sane.

So is the definition of 'normal' in psychological terms. I believe that 'normal' is based on the way society views us, not the way  we view ourselves.
we view the world. Even by the definition of normal above, I would be considered normal 85% of the time at least. Now I do have my
quirks; my wife calls me her 'Sheldon Cooper', but I consider myself to be normal, if not a little better than normal
(there's the Sheldon Cooper part). Now I do know there are times that I am not normal; times when I perceive divine providence, God speaking to me, but
I am learning to differentiate the voices from God; I now believe God only speaks to your heart, not your brain. it is in these times that I am truly ill.
Most days I don't 'feel' bipolar at all, most days I am normal. Whether or not society sees me as normal or not, I perceive
myself as normal. So what if I'm a weirdo; I have a family that loves me, a roof over my head, and food to eat. I need little else,
and I don't seek societies approval of me. And I believe the world is a worse place for not accepting everyone who do not
conform to normalcy; imagine if Picasso cared if his paintings looked weird? What is Sir Issac Newton had wanted
to win a popularity contest. The world would be a very different place.
I think that any day I do not hear voices, am not paranoid that people are following me or plotting against me, and do not
cry all the time and can get sleep, is a really good day. That is around 85% of the time, and on good days, I am normal.

So how serious is mental illness?

Mental illness can effect people in various ways. Most people will be depressed, and will respond to antidepressant medication. It doesn't mean it's not real, or that the person can just snap out of it, it's just not quite as serious, as long as you seek out help of a doctor or therapist.

No to the other mental illnesses, the ones that never go away, and/or effect a persons perception of reality. Bipolar disorder, schizoaffective disorder, and schizophrenia.  I believe these mental illnesses are terminal diseases if left untreated. Either the affected person will commit suicide, will become homicidal, or will be lost in their illness; the hallucinations and delusions. Suffering from the illnesses and having insight into your mental status is very difficult. Me personally, I can tell in a relatively small window of maybe a week that I am becoming psychotic. After that, I become lost in delusions and hallucinations, and someone else must make sure I get help. This  leads to another question; how do you know when a loved one is becoming psychotic, or severely ill? There are several ways to tell. The person will stop caring about hygiene or grooming, they may not sleep at all, or sleep all the time, they may seem distracted, or may seem to be talking to themselves.They may become paranoid; fearful of something you know is not real;this happens to me every time I get psychotic, and believe me, my wife can tell. They may lose interest in things they used to enjoy. Their sex drive may go up, or go down. They may seem to switch from one idea to another, or speak very fast, and the speech may be strange, like rhyming words when they speak. If a loved one is to the point of having hallucinations, it may be hard to reach them, and their paranoia will probably go off the charts. To someone who is manic, they may be able to hear the voice of God, and he may be giving them some mission, or knowledge, and any person who tries to interrupt this dialogue will likely be met with an agressive response from the sick person. You will likely notice several of these the first time a  loved one has to be hospitalized for a psychotic break, if you notice any of these symptoms, take your loved one to the ER or doctor, if they refuse to go call the police; believe me, they will thank you later, and the police are trained to handle a psychotic person.
 After you and your family go through this the first time, look for very early signs that your loved one is sick; Changes in sleeping patterns, loss of interest in favorite activities, or any minor paranoia, like thinking someone is plotting against them for any reason. Get them to the doctor at the first signs of trouble. It is easier to stop a break before it gets severe; I have found that for me, every week I am psychotic that no one picks up on (i.e. hearing voices), it takes one to two months to recover my prior functioning. Remember to be patient with yourself or any loved one recovering from psychosis. It takes time to figure out medications that will work, and to recover to a sense or normalcy, and remember, you will likely never be the same again. I hope this help you understand what a psychotic person is going through, and makes you a more capable caregiver for them. So what symptoms have you experienced in psychosis or have witnessed in a loved one in psychosis?

BB

Eliminating the Stigma

I know that anyone who reads this and has a mental illness know about the stigma that comes along with being mentally ill. None of the jobs I have lost knew about my severe bipolar disorder. I have had psychiatrists tell me not to notify my employer because it would do more harm than good. I believe it is time for us to join together to do away with the stigma of mental illness. How can we do this? By taking pages from MLK and the gay rights/AIDS movement. In the United States, 46% of people will have a mental illness at some point in their lives. Think about that; we stand ashamed or are discriminated against for something almost half the adults in the United States will suffer from at some point. I think it is past time to stand up and make ourselves known. If companies can hold training on diversity and sexual harassment, then they can have some training on mental illness. It is time we demand the Americans with disabilities act actually include persons with mental illness. And why would companies not want to hire persons with Bipolar Disorder; here's a short list of some persons with Bipolar disorder:

Ludwig Boltzmann, Georg Cantor,John A. Mulheren, Florence Nightingale,Emil Post, Gabriele Rabel,Ted Turner, and numerous actors, singers, and artists.

It seems that some of the most creative people suffer from mental illness; and it makes sense that it is that way; we perceive reality different from 'normal' people. We think outside of the box and are more willing to take chances. Great breakthroughs often come from taking big risks.
I don't know exactly what form a awareness movement should take, and I am not the one to lead it. But I am calling for one to start, and will listen to ideas and follow the right leader when they come along.

BB

How My Son Has Found the Testosterone I Lost

It has come to my attention that my oldest son is entering puberty. I realized this when I walked by him a few days ago and caught a huge whiff of pit stink. This boy, who I used to be able to hold in one hand when he was newborn, is starting down the journey to wards becoming a man. I am already proud of the young man he has become. Kind, gentle, and always one to make an outsider feel welcome.I fear the teasing and not stop meanness he is going to endure in middle school; for me that was the hardest part of my young life. He is so kind hearted and good natured, I am scared bullies will seek him out, and to be honest I worry about him taking up for himself. I also know I have got to take care of myself so I can lead him down the road to manhood. I hope that my example of effort and perseverance will serve as a guiding light for him. I fear he will be stricken by the same demons that have stricken me; all I can do is pray he is not. I also know I have to let him stumble face first into some mistakes; the teenage years is not a time for iron-fisted parenting; I think it is a time for guidance, to give him the last few pointers I can and hope he does not make the same mistakes I did. And God help me, I don't feel any older than I did when I got married 18 years ago, yet in about ten years or so I will most likely be a Grandpa? How the hell did that happen?
I also at an age where I remember being my father's son, and at the same time being my son's Father. There are a couple of things I would like my son to know: 1. All your friends, regardless of what they say, are lying about what they do with their girlfriends. They are all just as big a virgin as you are. 2. When a girl breaks your heart, there is another one around the corner for you. 3. In these hard years to come, don't forget what makes me so proud of you; your kind heart and gentle spirit. If you treat people that way your whole life, the worst you will end up doing is going to heaven in the end. Don't let ignorant teenagers change who you are. If you can do that, then that will mean I did my job, and you will be honoring your mother and father. I love you son, and I will still love you through the turbulence of the next few years to come.

Bipolar and Disability

I happen to be on disability now, after suffering for around six years. In that time, I lost 5 jobs; as I have a PhD some of them payed very very well. I never was a discipline problem, just always given the reason that  "I wasn't the right fit". This even happened to me 3 weeks into one of the jobs. This has caused somewhat of an internal struggle for me; for a man a large part of who he is is based on his job; his ability to provide for his family. Without this, I can very easily give in to depression. The way I get around this is to think I am taking time, for now, to just focus on nothing but myself; something I have never done before. I obviously needed to because I got approved the first time I applied without an attorney.
I think disability for bipolar disorder can be a very bad trap; it can leave us feeling worthless, and I think it helps to view it as a bridge to get to where God wants us to be. So I have faith; faith that everything happens for a reason, faith that maybe God never wanted me to be a chemist. Who knows, maybe I am just meant to write this blog. My intention is to go back to school and do nursing to help people in distress as I have been before; I certainly will have an innate empathy for mentally ill people. Hope you all have a good weekend!!

BB

Worst phrase ever: Just snap of of it!!!

I know I am not alone when I hear the phrase: "Just snap out of it!!" Nothing can piss me off quicker than that phrase. Would you tell someone with diabetes, or lupus, or a cancer to step out of it? Not likely. but people don't understand that I have a disease just as serious as those diseases( maybe a shade under cancer, or cancer in very early stages). I have three choices for my fate; either 1. I commit suicide. 2. I end up in prison, or 3. I take the treatment and be as normal as possible. I didn't ask for this, and I wish I could just magically do away with it. I don't enjoy delusions and hallucinations, the are scary as hell. I hope you have someone you love read this and maybe do a little research into what bipolar disorder is. Maybe they will discover a 2000% greater risk for suicide among those of us who suffer. Maybe the will find a very high rate of type II diabetes caused by those drugs to treat us. Maybe they will learn to be more supportive and have some understanding for you. I hope so; I wish we could have a world where the phrase "Just snap out of it!" is never again used.
I think I will be writing a post soon on Bipolar disorder and disability; to let you know my experience, and maybe educate some people out there.

BB

Emotional Prison: A Bipolar Sufferers Life

It seems to me that I am forced to live in an emotional prison; one of my own creating, and one encouraged by others. I fear happiness, not because it is enjoyable, but because it may be the beginning of hypo-mania, which, as I have written, will quickly ( usually within a week for me) will lead to a full blown mania, something I fear. I fear sadness, because that may mean a depression is coming( rare for me but does happen). There are no shortage of people who may remind you that you may have left my 'cell'; asking if I am ok, or if I am getting sick. I guess therapy is a good way to expand this prision; a way to expand the walls and live within my emotions without getting out of control. I have found that the same warning signs a recovering alcoholic or drug abuser uses for relapse are also very good for me to determine I am getting sick again. It is also very useful for your loved ones to use to help them establish if you are still ' in your cell' or not. You can find those warning signs here . I don't know if I will ever escape my emotional prision, but I do believe I can learn to live there and be happy. How about you guys; do you feel trapped by your emotions also?

BB

What is psychosis?

I can share from my experience what psychosis is. Psychosis in composed of several things,and many feed off of one another. Now my psychotic episode were based on being manic, so I am taking my explanation from that point of view. Here it is:
1. Every time I have been psychotic I have had hallucinations, 99% of the time hearing voices. It is rare for me to see or feel or taste anything that is not there.
2. Because of the voices I develop delusions. This means I believe things that make no sense. My most common root delusion is God talking to me telling me to do things. Kill terrorists, move my faimly to the woods, do a certain experiment to win the Nobel prize, etc. Always to make myself seem more than I really am.
3. Paranoia. This probably makes me dangerous more than anything, and the reason I go to the hospital. I can believe people are plotting against me, and most importantly, against God's plan for me.
4. I don't sleep, which makes all of the above much worse.
5. I can't keep a train of thought long enough to actually do anything.
6. Personal hygiene goes out the window, along with anything that God does not tell me to do.

A good example of someone being psychotic is Andrea Yates. In my opinion her husband is just as guilty as she is; my wonderful wife always picks uyp on me getting sick before I do.
I find it hard to believe someone who is psychotic could order body armor, and several weapons, rig his apartment with explosives, and then carry a rifle with a 300 round drum clip into a theater and shoot people. It really pisses me off because it makes people who are really in need of help and reinforces stereotypes, and will make sick people avoid care because they don't want to be lumped into a category with him. I'd like to know what others have experienced while psychotic, so please leave comments below.

BB

My story

I just realized I have not shared my whole story with you guys. About six years ago, I went into a deep depression. It wasn't psychotic depression, but started me on the road to psychosis. I was prescribed Lexapro and Klonopin, and sent on my way. Shortly after this, I  began to have delusions. My delusions were of God telling me a plan to kill Osama Bin Laden and other terrorists. Anyone whom I perceived as as being in my way would incite violence from me. At the same time I became very paranoid my wife was plotting against me ( my most common delusion). I heard voices I interpreted as God. I was destroying chemical weapons at my job at the time, and I went to work and drove a forklift around them, and tried to climb a water tower. My best friend had me sent home, and I was in the hospital that day. While in the hospital, I was diagnosed as having mania, and Bipolar I disorder. In the hospital, I saw writing on the wall and visions of people dying in a nuclear explosion; was very scary and agitated me. After Haldol shots, I started to get better, not seeing things any more. This started me down the road of trying pretty much every medication available, gaining weight, and even sedated to the point of incontinence. Since then, there have been four separate manias, each similar to the first one, but not as bad as the first one. My last hospitalization was in March of this year; I though God wanted me to take my family and live in the woods, and that my wife and coworkers were plotting to keep me from doing this.
They are the real victims of this; my family suffers right along with me. My kids don't understand where I go for 7-10 days, and I am very lucky to have an understanding wife. Anyone else want to share their story? Until tommorow, go eat at Chick-Fil-A today.

BB

Ego death: Guidance of Psychiatrists

     I want to talk a little today about Ego death that has accompanied my treatment of Bipolar disorder. I have found that I have lost myself to the medications I take to control my disease. I used to have a sense of random abandon; I couldn't sit still and had to just go and do something. I believe this was enjoyed by my family; the got to see a lot of things that other people will never see. It is a battle each day to take my medications; I feel like I am a better person, most of the time, without them. Of course, I also will inevitably go manic and end up in the hospital without them. It is a battle every day to choose which is the lesser of two evils. The anti psychotic meds I take rob me of emotion; the antidepressants don't seem to do anything, aside from short term memory loss. Some medication I take makes me irritable, so you have to add a benzo in there for that. My new doc has the goal of getting me back as close to my normal functioning as possible. Not having the stress of work helps, and I plan to stick to this plan and trust her for a while. My guess is I am very similar to other Bipolar disorder sufferers out there, and they also battle taking medications. My hope is to focus on me for 2-3 years, the start a new career in the medical field to help those with problems like I used to have. Only time will tell, but I hope to tell you over time about my Ego being reborn, and the Father, brother, son and husband I still am, somewhere deep inside, returns, like the progidal son he is. Have any of you experienced this, or had a family member who has? I'd love to hear about it; and I will help all of us not to feel so alone in our struggle with Bipolar Disorder.

BB

In Sickness and Health and Yard Sales Hooray!!

     Today I want to recognize my best friend. She has been far and above what I deserve for the sins I have committed against her. Sure, I have been pretty good to her at most times, but there are also times when I have been beyond horrible. I have flat out told her about thing I was planning to do with other women when I'm manic, I have believed she was plotting against me, even believed she wasn't herself. I have been medicated to the point of being incontinent, and her reaction has been to get me help. or clean me up. When I've been scared she has listened. I have lost 3 good jobs now, mainly because of my illness, and still she stays. We have our ups and downs, but I do know she will be there, like she promised me she would be years ago. And I hope, in his infinite wisdom, God sees fit to give her a little extra joy for having put up with one of his damaged creations. I am truly blessed for God having sent to me someone with the faith of Job. I don't tell her enough, baby I love you.
     Now for this weekend, we have a yard sale planned, thank God for that. I will always celebrate taking four or five leaps backwards from being on an episode of Hoarders:Buried Alive; and making money at the same time. At the same time, I get to, by myself, take my two boys to a birthday party. It'll be fun, but to tell you the truth, I'd rather be at home selling as many things as I can for a nickle a piece. But I think the wife will do okay on her own. She always does. That's the good thing about my wife, weather it is old clutter in out relationship, or in our house, she always finds a way to sweep it aside and forget about it. Now if I could sneak a brownie of two behind her back, that would be perfect!!
BB

The Eggo Monster

Good morning everyone. My morning is going pretty well; finally got some sleep. I am concerned though; there appears to be an Eggo stealing monster in my home. See I do the Atkin's diet to lose weight from the meds I take( all my BP peeps will understand this) , and for the last week, I have been eyeballing a large box of Eggo waffles in my freezer. Well this morning the perfect stage is set; my oldest son is still asleep like he worked the night shift doing some really manual labor, my wife, the household diet police, is at work, and my youngest son is at boys and girls club plotting how to drive me crazy when it is time to pick him up. Everything is ready but the eggos....my kids have evidently eaten a whole box of eggos in two days; like it is the last box of eggos anyone is ever going to eat. Of course, my life would be very very dull without the Eggo monster, so I guess I will overlook it and go hungry this morning. Hopefully my wife will not come down too hard on me for my planned indiscretion. Eggos are wonderful. Of course, an investigation into the Eggo monster and his relation to the sock monster, and the remote monster has to be undertaken with the up-most of speed.

     See, bipolar doesn't have to define who you are. It can be terrifying, debilitating, and a horrible nuisance, but I think the real joy in life comes from the Eggo monsters and the wife who polices the food you eat. I know it is hard for us to see anything positive about ourselves, but I believe with all of my heart, that we are not defined by Bipolar disorder, but instead we are defined by the Eggo monsters and policing wifes that love us through all of our ups and downs. In a sense Bipolar disorder is a blessing; it forces the veil of love between the sick people and leaves it all open, there to see. I never have to wonder if I am loved. The veil for me has been torn down a long time ago.

Sweet Sleep

One problem I have is sleeping. My mind races, filling my thoughts with things to do. Tonight it is to start stockpiling food in case we need. I have been having a constant sense of doom and it makes me feel better to think through possible plans for me and my family. Sorry this is a quick post, but I'm sure there are plenty of bipolar folks out there who need to feel not alone, or family members who need to understand.
BB

Evil in Aurora

The shooter in last Friday's massacre will undoubtedly claim to be insane. I , myself, have had some very horrible delusions and hallucinations, which, thank God I had doctors, my wife, and family to quickly get me to the hospital for treatment. In none of my mania's would I have been able to draw diagrams, or write anything, or done much of anything coherent. I once drove a mile down random back roads to get to a gas station a block from my house because I was convinced the government was after me. In addition to being legally insane a few times, I also share unique insight into the process of getting a PhD. . What happened to Mr. Holmes, failing an oral exam, happens, most of the time very rarely. His advisor probably warned him of his failure in advance, and tried to move him into the Master's program. While failing something like this can cause a grad student to become enraged like this, or the graduate student committing suicide. The stresses of graduate school nor any mental illness; I have lived through both, and this can't be an excuse for Mr. Holmes, a person of pure evil.

A Dream

So, welcome to my blog. It's titled 2 Years Gone because yesterday, 7-24-12, marked two years since my mother has been gone. Today's post, a dream, is about what I had hoped for last night but never came. This year, there was no dream of Mama.  No hug, no kisses, nothing to remind me of her as she was. Seems two years have robbed me of that. I used to, as a child, dream of her leaving me and awake crying; now ,my nightmare has become a reality. Sometimes I get fleeting glimpses of her in dreams, not often, but sometimes.
The purpose of my blog is for others afflicted as I am can see what I go through every day. See I am Bipolar I, and it has gotten so severe for now that I can't work and am on disability. In spite of this, I was able to complete a Ph.D. in chemistry. This blog is also for loved ones of persons with Bipolar disorder. It will be here in all of it's rawness, but also in it's triumphs. You see, the thing I want to mention today is a dream, a dream that is two years gone.
BB
P.S. Please feel free to leave comments or questions for me either about yourself or a loved one. I'll do my best to answer.
BB